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Wednesday 26th Apr 2017

I’ll be honest. This time of year is just another couple of weeks for me. It’s not that I’m against being festive or even feeling a bit melancholy that my parents are no longer with us. These days are just no different for me, that’s all.

Though, there is something about the week between Christmas and New Year’s that drives me goofy. I can’t stand all the end-of-the-year reviews or top-ten-of-the-year lists. I was here, I lived through it. If I cared in the first place and it was worth remembering, I still remember it.

I don’t need to be reminded about the top ten news stories or the ten most influential people. I don’t care to rehash the ten most exciting Monday Night Raw moments or even the top ten best defensive plays of the 2014 MLB season. And, I certainly don’t want to hear the top ten songs of 2014 or see the top ten nude movie scenes.

OK, I can use a refresher here and there.

So as a means to get even with everyone that feels the need to subject us to the year in review (I’m looking at everyone that opted to make public the presentation Facebook put together for all their users), I’m going to present my best non-baseball tweets from 2014.

Some fat guy wearing a red suit just came out of my chimney, saw a plate of potato latkes and glass of milk and said, "sorry, wrong address"

I don’t have a chimney and I realize sour cream and not milk is the preferred dairy accompaniment but I’m willing to fib for a chuckle.

Does anyone know the protocol for live tweeting a Bar Mitzvah rehearsal?

For those unaware, cell phones aren’t allowed in a synagogue so this employs a little irony to take a shot at those who feel they need to live tweet their entire day.

OK, let me get this straight. A fictional movie has been pulled from five theater chains but the Thursday night football game is still on?

For the record, this was Tennessee versus Jacksonville, which turned out to be a decent game so the joke is on me.

Holy cow is gas cheap! I just drove around for 3 hours just so I could fill up my tank.

Those who know me, know the truth. I wasn’t just driving around, I was lost.

This whole eating healthy thing would be so much easier if someone invented a vegetable that tasted like pizza....and another like chocolate

You’ll soon notice a common theme.

Food should either be universally liked or easy to pick out of a dish. Peas are both gross and a pain in the ass to completely remove.

I admit, I often dine with those allegedly healthy microwave dinners. Five or six of them and I’m full (remember that fib thing).

Developing a serious mid-life crush on Liz Phair....

There’s no attempt at humor or social commentary here. She’s seriously adorable in a hot and sultry way. As opposed to Nell from NCIS LA who’s incredibly adorable in a girl-next-door sort of way.

There has to be a way for me to stop ruining keyboards by getting food stuck under the keys. I mean, other than not eating over my keyboard.

I’ve been known to snack on what’s under the space bar.

Retweet this if you feel trolling for retweets is cool. Favorite if you think it is self-serving and disingenuous.

If you’re not familiar with Twitter, people can choose to follow you. For some, followers are a way of keeping score. They feel like they’re a better person because they have more followers. It’s really not important to me. When I hang out with my friends, we don’t whip out our Twitter followers to see who has the biggest….following. Anyway, having an entry retweeted or favorited exposes you to the followers of the person that retweeted or favorited and this often results in more followers. Some will troll for followers by posing a question in the above manner.

Have I mentioned my Twitter handle is @ToddZola?

I wonder how long being a thing will be a thing....

See what I did there?

Vote NO on allowing waving of political signs at busy intersections and hanging over a bridge on a busy road.

I don’t often offer political or social commentary but when I do, I reserve it for the most important issues.

Really not sure I want to exist in a society in which cray cray has become an accepted part of its lexicon.

And while we’re at it, who decided that prolly is an acceptable proxy for probably? Is probably really that hard to spell? You’re saving two freaking keystrokes. That’s just cray cray.

I don't have a couch because I can rarely sit there. But on those occasions I could, I really wish I had a couch.

For those concerned, since this tweet, I have purchased a nice recliner (that I’ve sat in all of about six times since I bought it four months ago).

I'm a grown-ass man but that little blonde kid in the Toaster Strudel commercials creeps the shit out of me.

toaster-strudel-now-with-more-fruitI am seriously not kidding. The little SOB freaks the hell out of me. I haven’t had the heebee-jeebies like that since the doll in Magic with Anthony Hopkins.

The problem with cleaning your glasses if you really need glasses is you can't tell if they're clean, without, you know, your glasses.

Sometimes I tailor my tweets to those who smoke weed. You know, for medicinal purposes.

 The only thing that bothers me more than being called an expert is being called an "expert."

Actually, the use of quotation marks when you’re not actually denoting a quote bothers me. It’s as if you’re too much of a “wuss” and “hiding behind” the words as if you’re not really "saying" them. Kind of like a ventriloquist getting away with some stuff he wouldn’t say directly but can do it through the dummy. If you want to say something, SAY IT. Don’t pretend using quotes absolves you from accountability or softens the blow.

If fruit were always as good as it is right now I'd eat more fruit. My problem is pizza is always good.

This was mid-summer. I still don’t understand why there isn’t a country somewhere that can grow a decent peach, plum or nectarine during our winter. It’s summer somewhere, right?

White chocolate is just a way of tricking fat people into eating vanilla

Be honest, if you have the option of choosing regular chocolate or that white crap, you’re going brown every time.

I'm pretty sure we can knock off half the national debt if supermarkets put more items into those plastic bags.

And not just that, they double bag some stuff for no reason.

Even Bobby McFerrin has had enough of Pharrell Williams' "Happy"

Anyone that tells me “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” will have their account disconnected.

So, is "now with kale" really supposed to entice me to want to try it?

I actually forget what this was in reference to, I just don’t get how adding kale makes anything better. Change that to bacon and we’ll talk.

Looking forward to spending a week in New York City. Just hope I can find somewhere to get a good bagel and decent slice of pizza.

Don’t worry, I did.

Fat people get made fun of for drinking diet soda. Well, invent 1-calorie pizza and I promise we'd eat that too.

It can be inferred by now that I eat a lot of pizza. Not saying whether I do or don’t, but when I say I haven’t had a slice for awhile, that usually means since breakfast (re: fib = giggle). But, you’ll be happy to know I make it a point to include at least one vegetable on every slice (which is actually mostly true).

If you're going to sit in one of the airport gate chairs where you can charge something, you know...CHARGE SOMETHING!!!!!

Just another reason being allowed to carry a stun gun should be legal.

I think I’ve taken enough of your time. Thanks for your indulgence and have a great new year.

Comments   

0 #1 Barry 2014-12-30 15:02
Thanks for the chuckle, and happy new year 2u2.
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