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You Just Might Be A Fantasy Baseball Player PDF Print E-mail
Rotisserie Duck
Written by Don Drooker   
Friday, 14 March 2014 00:00

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy:

> If you get more excited about Evan Longoria than Eva Longoria, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your elbow was fine but you decided to have Tommy John Surgery just to see how long the rehab takes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you sincerely hope that Yasiel Puig buys a Prius, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your neighbor brags about his 4x4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5x5, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know it's d'Arnaud and not D'Arnaud, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you're walking through the woods when someone yells "Snake" and you yell back "I prefer Auction", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know for sure that Arruebarruena is not an island in the Caribbean, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone refers to a girl as a "Keeper" and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the team names "Okrent Fenokees", "Sklar Gazers", "Cary Nations" and "Pollet Burros" are familiar to you, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it's the last football game of the season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the whereabouts of Kyle Crick, Kyle Elfrink, Kyle Farnsworth and Kyle Kendrick, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you're motivated to check Trace Wood's Long Gandhi website, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think the Mayo Clinic is where Jonathan spends the off-season looking at minor league video, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think "Black Magic Woman" is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your wife suggested you watch the Oscars and you thought about the name "Taveras", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you've signed a petition to have Bill James' countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the term "Pleskoff Prospect" is meaningful to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you see graffiti that says "Jesus Is The Answer" and you wonder if the question is, "Who Is Matty and Felipe's Brother?", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you're hoping to play the part of Larry Schechter in the movie version of his book, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that Wilin, Welington and Yasmani are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the song "Ventura Highway" makes you wonder if Yordano will be sent to Triple-A, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that the first time Jose Abreu dives for a baseball, it will put him ahead of Bobby Abreu in that lifetime statistical category, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you’re absolutely sure that the word "Florimon" is not Jamaican slang, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your employer uses a company called ADP to process payroll and your paycheck causes you to wonder if you can get a quality closer in the top-60, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you meet someone whose child is named Jurickson and you don't think twice, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you really believe that a guy named "Scooter" will hit home runs, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know more about Bubba Starling than you do about Clarice Starling, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that brothers Cesar and Maicer Izturis were born only eight months apart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you're sure that Pete Seeger, Bob Seger, Kyle Seager and Corey Seager are all talented, you just might be a folk/rock Fantasy player.

> If you know that Jake Odorizzi and Rougned Odor don't stink, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Starlin, Alcides and Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that Matt Adams losing 6-7 pounds during the off-season is like throwing a deck chair off the Titanic, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If a conversation with Jason Collette would be more interesting than one with Toni Collette, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone invites you to see "Kung Fu Panda" and you ask if they have box seats, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that the Cecchini Brothers are not characters in a mob movie, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that "Rotoman" may soon become a comic book Superhero, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Doug Fister and Dexter Fowler were stolen during the off-season, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Conor spells it "Gillaspie" and Cole spells it "Gillespie", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you wonder why the Mexican restaurants in Kansas City don't serve Moose Tacos, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If meeting Billy Beane is more exciting than meeting Brad Pitt, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the difference between Ryan Wheeler, Tim Wheeler and Zack Wheeler, you're definitely a Fantasy player.

> If you're hoping that Alex Guerrero isn't related to Pedro Guerrero, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Ron Shandler has replaced John Grisham as your favorite author, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If it ever crossed your mind that Julio Iglesias might follow Jose Iglesias to Motown, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you've changed your name from Mike to Giancarlo, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Ben Revere needs to "get on his horse" this season,    you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that because Prince Fielder and Billy Butler were the only AL players to appear in all 162 games, it means that you can eat anything you want, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the song "Camptown Ladies" makes you think of Lucas Duda, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone tells you they live on Houston St. and you immediately think about saves, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that the word "Norichika" means "Ground Ball" in Japanese, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the difference between Jarred Cosart, Kaleb Cowart and Zack Cozart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your wife isn't concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you're scouting prospects, you are obviously a Fantasy player.

> If you don't believe that Robinson Cano is worth $240 million but you're sure he's worth at least $29, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Yovani, Aroldis, Ubaldo and Anibal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you're hoping that Cody can save your Asche, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the stats of John Smiley and Drew Smyly, you just might be a long-time Fantasy player.

> If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you have a copy of Grant Balfour's X-Rays, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the song "Whip It" comes on the radio and you think about control pitchers or Devon White, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Ian Kinsler, Ryan Braun, Scott Feldman, Trevor Rosenthal, Nate Freiman, Ike Davis and Craig Breslow are all on your team, you just might be a Jewish Fantasy player.

> If the names Leonys, Taijuan, Kolten, Rymer and Xander are familiar to you, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Steve Moyer has better velocity than Jamie Moyer, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Stolmy, Josmil, Mauricio, Yorvit and Koyie are all spelled correctly, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your Zen Master plays a guitar, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Yuniesky spells it "Betancourt" and Christian spells it "Bethancourt", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you would eat raw squid and eel to have Masahiro Tanaka on your team, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are secure in the fact that Chris Liss is the youngest curmudgeon west of the Mississippi, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you actually know that the Marlins have a player with the first name of Arquimedes, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you absolutely hate it when managers decide to give their closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you drive all the way to Las Vegas in March to see Greg Ambrosius, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the difference between the two pitchers named David Carpenter, you are certainly a Fantasy player.

> If you bruise your knuckles and immediately think about R.A. Dickey, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Brett Gardner could be related to Steve Gardner, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your wife suggests the two of you watch "Beaches" and you wonder how Brandon's elbow is feeling, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think Perry is a better Capt. Hook than Dustin Hoffman, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think "Classical Gas" is only a song by the wrong Mason Williams, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you use a Maxwell Smart voice to say "Marco Scutaro", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are perfectly clear on the fact that "Saltalamacchia" is not tonight's special at that upscale Italian restaurant, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you actually know the starting lineup of the Houston Astros, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the hotel you book for your family vacation this summer must have wireless access, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you have zero interest in the members of the Rockies starting rotation, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you go to a seafood restaurant and can't bring yourself to order the (Mike) Trout, (Tim) Salmon or (Kevin) Bass, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you book a flight to Honolulu and it makes you wonder if Shane Victorino is really worth more than $22, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics on HBO, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn't also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper league Fantasy player.

> If Brian Feldman has ever been your auctioneer, you just might be an expert-level Fantasy player.

> If a pitcher on your team gets relegated to middle relief and you hope he finds religion and joins a monastery, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Tyler Flowers could be related to Ray Flowers, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that the term "Elvis Has Left the Building" means the Rangers shortstop hit a home run, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Jean Segura, Dee Gordon, Dayan Viciedo and Didi Gregorius are not females, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your kid's history homework includes a lesson about the Wright Brothers and it makes you wonder how much the Mets third baseman will go for at the table, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Jeff Erickson is your favorite radio personality, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you meet someone named Roberto but keep calling him Fausto, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe the Cardinals acquisition of Jhonny Peralta will cause Brian Walton to change his name to "Bhrian", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think that Bartolo Colon is related to Andre the Giant, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If your 2013 catchers were Jesus Montero and Miguel Montero, you just might be a re-building Fantasy player.

> If each time Charlie Morton is scheduled to start, you go to a steakhouse for dinner, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the true identities of Car-Go, Lo-Mo, K-Rod, J-Roll, J-Up and V-Mart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you've ever tried to buy something with "Patton Dollars", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone sneezes and it causes you to think about the Rangers leadoff hitter, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If someone uses the term "Wise Guy" and you think of Gene McCaffrey instead of Joe Pesci, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If the outcome of Daniel Hudson's latest elbow surgery is more important to you than the outcome of Kate Hudson's latest cosmetic surgery, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you're excited about the Marlins signing Rafael Furcal, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If Jeff Winick represented you in salary arbitration, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that Donovan Hand has a lower lifetime ERA than Brad Hand, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know the connection between Jonathan Singleton and Humphrey Bogart, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you know that L.J. Hoes doesn't play for the Pale Hose, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you believe that Derek Holland should move to a one-story house, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you think a "Sale Price" is getting Chris for less than $20, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true Fantasy player.

Last Updated on Friday, 14 March 2014 03:09
 

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Comments  

 
# paskov 2014-03-14 18:19
Love it
Congratulations , the best, most hilarious article about our favorite pastime ever
Pasko
 

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