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Tuesday 26th Jul 2016

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy:

> If you get more excited about Evan Longoria than Eva Longoria, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you're concerned about Frank Francisco's elbow, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If your neighbor brags about his 4x4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5x5, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know it's d'Arnaud and not D'Arnaud, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you're walking through the woods when someone yells "Snake" and you yell back "I prefer Auction", you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone refers to a girl as a "Keeper" and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know more about the Molina Brothers than you do about the Jonas Brothers, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it's the last football game of the season, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you're motivated to check Trace Wood's website, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think "Black Magic Woman" is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you've signed a petition to have Bill James' countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you see graffiti that says "Jesus Is the Answer" and you wonder if the question is, "Who Is Matty and Felipe's Brother", you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you believe that Wilin, Welington and Yasmani are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone says they're going to sneak a smoke and you think it's "Smoak" because the price is less than $10, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you meet someone whose child is named Jurickson and you don't think twice, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know that brothers Cesar and Maicer Izturis were born only eight months apart, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know that Starlin, Alcides and Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone uses the clich├ę, "The Bloom Is Off the Rose" and you immediately think of a Utility Infielder and "The Hit King", you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone invites you to see "Kung Fu Panda" and you ask if they have box seats, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you believe that "Rotoman" may soon become a comic book superhero, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you wonder why the Mexican restaurants in Kansas City don't serve Moose Tacos, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know the difference between Ryan Wheeler, Tim Wheeler and Zack Wheeler, you're definitely a fantasy player.

> If Ron Shandler has replaced John Grisham as your favorite author, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you've changed your name from Mike to Giancarlo, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think Ben Revere is faster than Paul Revere, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If the song "Camptown Ladies" makes you think of Lucas Duda, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone tells you they live on Huston St. and you immediately think about saves, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you're positive that Vinnie Pestano isn't a character from "The Sopranos", you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know the difference between Jarred Cosart, Kaleb Cowart and Zack Cozart, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If your wife isn't concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you're scouting prospects, you are obviously a fantasy player.

> If you don't believe that Zack Greinke is worth $159 Million, but you're sure he's worth at least $21, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know that Yovani, Aroldis, Ubaldo and Anibal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone said "Who's On First?" and you thought they meant "Hu's On First", you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know the stats of John Smiley and Drew Smyly, you just might be a long-time fantasy player.

> If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know there are two starting Catchers named A.J., you just might be a fantasy player.

> If your total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If the song "Whip It" comes on the radio and you think about control Pitchers, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If the song "Whip It" comes on the radio and you think about Devon White, you just might be an experienced fantasy player.

> If Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, Ryan Braun, Scott Feldman, Trevor Rosenthal and Craig Breslow are all on your team, you just might be a Jewish fantasy player.

> If the names Leonys, Taijuan, Kolten, Rymer and Xander are familiar to you, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think Jamie Moyer could be related to Steve Moyer, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If your Zen Master plays a guitar, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If Chris Young has broken your heart on multiple occasions, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you believe that Kate Upton would be yours if you could only throw 97, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think Jose Valverde doesn't have ulcers but that he's a carrier, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you absolutely hate it when managers decide to give their closers some work in non-save situations, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you drive all the way to Las Vegas in March to see Greg Ambrosius, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you believe that Cliff Lee is the best 6 win starting pitcher in the last 30 years, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you bruise your knuckles and immediately think about R.A. Dickey, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think Brett Gardner could be related to Steve Gardner, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know that Brian Kenny is the smartest guy on MLB Network, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If your wife suggests the two of you watch "Beaches" and you wonder how Brandon's rehab is going, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think Perry is a better Capt. Hook than Dustin Hoffman, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think "Classical Gas" is only a song by the wrong Mason Williams, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you use a Maxwell Smart voice to say "Marco Scutaro", you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are perfectly clear on the fact that "Saltalamacchia" is not tonight's special at that upscale Italian restaurant, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you actually know the starting line-up of the Miami Marlins, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If the hotel you book for your family vacation this summer must have wireless access, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you have zero interest in the members of the Rockies starting rotation, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you go to a seafood restaurant and can't bring yourself to order the (Mike) Trout, (Tim) Salmon or (Brian) Bass, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you book a flight to Honolulu and wonder if Shane Victorino is really worth $39 Million, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think that Doug Dennis is funnier than most stand-up comics on HBO, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If a politician brings up the topic of inflation and you wonder why he isn't also concerned with position scarcity, you just might be a keeper-league fantasy player.

> If a pitcher on your team gets relegated to middle relief and you hope he finds religion and joins a Monastery, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think that Tyler Flowers could be related to Ray Flowers, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think that the term "Elvis Has Left the Building" means the Rangers SS hit a Home Run, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you know that Jean Segura, Dee Gordon, Dayan Viciedo and Didi Gregorius are not females, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If your kid's history homework includes a lesson about the Wright Brothers and it makes you wonder how much the Mets 3B will go for at the table, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If Jeff Erickson is your favorite radio personality, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you meet someone named Roberto and wonder if his real name is Fausto, you just might be a Fantasy player.

> If you are completely sure that Jerome Walton isn't related to Brian Walton, you just might be a fantasy player

> If you see a Puma display at Sports Authority and wonder if Lance Berkman will get 400 AB's in Arlington, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you think that Randy Wolf could be related to Rick Wolf, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you've ever tried to buy something with "Patton Dollars", you just might be a fantasy player.

> If someone uses the term "Wise Guy" and you think of Gene McCaffrey instead of Joe Pesci, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If the outcome of Daniel Hudson' elbow surgery is more important to you than the outcome of Kate Hudson's cosmetic surgery, you just might be a fantasy player.

> If you're excited about the Marlins signing Juan Pierre, you just might be a fantasy player.

> And, finally, if Draft Day is your favorite day of the year, you have become a true fantasy player.

Comments   

0 #5 Ryan Carey 2013-02-23 04:28
Thanks Don. Perfect piece for the first day of spring training games. Just perfect!
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0 #4 Todd Zola 2013-02-23 01:57
Fourth time I read it and laughed every time
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0 #3 JAYSON POTTER 2013-02-22 21:09
When reading to your kids at night, you pronounce closer as 'clo-Zer', not 'clo-sir'.
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0 #2 Brian Walton 2013-02-22 17:22
Nicely done! I am sure we all have personal experiences with multiples of these. Classical Gas especially hit home for me as I figured I was the only one whose brain went there whenever hearing Williams' name. Then there is Lucas Doo-dah, as his name is actually pronounced by a broadcaster whose name will remain anonymous.
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0 #1 Lawr Michaels 2013-02-22 15:33
Drook, so prolific. how did you come up with all these? Amazing.
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